I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
