I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
