I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
