Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Randomize
