So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Randomize
