ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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