i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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