Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
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