my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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