why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
