Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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