Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
