There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
