you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize
