I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
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