Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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