: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I intend to get homeless drunk
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
