I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Randomize
