sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
