I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
