she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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