I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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