I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
