i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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