I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
