i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
the raccoons are back...
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
