my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
