He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i will never coherently bang her
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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