honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
