yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
