No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
