I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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