whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
