i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My hand turned me down
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
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