9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
