Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
