smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
