Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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