I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Randomize
