i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
