That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
