Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
