FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
