Moan for me like Helen Keller
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
