Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
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