He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
sarcasm needs its own font
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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