Nicole vs. Life
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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