my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
