Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
