I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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