My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
