I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I checked into jail on foursquare
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize