he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
time to smoke my breakfast
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
