oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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