it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
