listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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