She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
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