Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
