An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
