I faked an abortion last night.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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