she looked like the bat from fern gully.
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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