yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
When are your genitals available?
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
