You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
