My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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