Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Randomize
