He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Randomize
